Helping Our Children to Feel Good about Themselves

by Sallie Norquist, PhD | Mar 21, 2018

It is truly heartwarming to see a child or young adult who feels good about themselves in a genuine, non-questioning, non-self-focused way.

What are some of the parenting conditions that encourage this?

Our children enter the world as sentient, aware beings. They sense how we feel about their arrival in this world. Share with them your delight and joy at seeing them and in being with them. They search in your gaze for confirmation that they are welcome, and that they have an important, secure place in this nest that they have landed in.

Children first learn their worth by how they are seen and responded to in their early important relationships. In future adult relationships, they will not allow others to treat them poorly if they have a history of being treated with love and respect.

The psychological literature emphasizes the importance of a “secure attachment” in childhood. What exactly is a “secure attachment”? It is a term that describes an emotional bond between the child and the caretaker that the child experiences as safe, secure, and trustable. The reliability of this bond allows the child to use the caretaker as a secure base to explore from, a safe haven to return to when anxious or upset, and a sense of trust that they will be taken care of.

A secure sense of attachment with a major caretaker supports optimal health and development (physically, emotionally, and mentally). It inoculates against future depression and supports the ability to establish healthy relationships as an adult. Children with a secure attachment with a major caretaker do not question their worth, or their place in this world.

Secure attachment goes a long way. However, if there is enough connection with another human in early life, most people can make their way, healing these “attachment wounds” as a part of the process of growth throughout life.

Conditions in the parent’s life either support or hinder their ability to provide this secure attachment to their children in an optimal manner. If your early caretaking relationship experiences were not optimal, this may be an area in your life that needs healing. If so, your relationship with your child will likely bring this to your attention.

A mother who has enough emotional support in her own life is more able to provide her child with the support and attention that her child needs. Let your partner know what you need to be able to be present for your child. Sometimes this is just his/her presence, an attentive listening ear, and the chance to nap or engage in activities which support you.

Place the practice of self-care high on your “to do” list, as this is essential in making sure your inner well is full. Our children know when we are drained and out of balance emotionally. This is when they become more demanding of our attention. Self-care will keep your inner well from drying up and make for more enjoyable parent-child interactions. This, in turn, supports your child’s developing self-esteem.

Through your interactions with them, help your children to experience that their worth is never at stake. It is a given. It is not dependent on achievement or performance, nor affected by making a “mistake.”

If proving your worth through achievements or performance was a part of your own childhood experiences you may find this attitude creeping into your thoughts, feelings, or responses towards your own child. Our ability to help our children to feel good about themselves is closely tied to our ability to feel good about ourselves.

If we can treat ourselves with an attitude of compassion and love, set reasonable expectations for ourselves, and forgive ourselves for our “mistakes”, we will be offering this attitude to our children as well.

The beauty of parenting is that it gives us opportunities to grow and heal in ways that might not have happened otherwise. Our personal growth enhances our loved ones’ lives, as well as our own.

If you find yourself being critical of yourself, or worried about what you could not or did not provide for your child, please remember that we are all here to learn and grow. Perfection is not the name of the game.

We all have lessons to learn, and the process of living is our teacher. When the lesson to learn involves self-esteem, it is often a lesson for both the child and the adult, and is learned jointly, through the parent-child relationship.

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