Twelve Suggestions for Creating a Happy Marriage

by Sallie Norquist, PhD | Nov 3, 2018

Twelve Suggestions for Creating a Happy Marriage

1. Contrary to what the media would have us believe, love is not something that you “get” from another person. It is an inner experience that you can cultivate through consciously choosing to act lovingly. By this I mean acting with kindness, patience, acceptance, forgiveness, and generosity of spirit. You are the one who determines the amount of love and happiness that you experience in your life.

2. Your relationship is molded over time by daily habits. Be mindful of how your daily habits are affecting your relationship. Keep doing the little loving and considerate things that you have cultivated during your courtship.

3. Practice being the kind of person that you want your spouse to be. In treating your partner lovingly, you will be setting the pattern for how the two of you interact with each other. Through your kind actions, you are providing the emotional safety that is essential for love to survive and to grow.

4. Respect and take the time to truly understand each other’s feelings, viewpoints, and needs. If you disagree with each other’s viewpoint, respect is even more essential. In fact, treating your partner with respect is a vital and essential element of any healthy relationship.

5. If the problem is yours, the responsibility for fixing it is also yours. Relationships are opportunities for personal growth. If you do not use the opportunities your relationship gives you to grow, you will no doubt have to confront this growth need repeatedly during your life, in this and other relationships.Taking responsibility for your own actions and issues will save you much angst over time. It is an essential ingredient for a healthy relationship as it provides your partner with emotional safety, and a relationship that continues to grow, rather than become stagnant or die.

6. A harmonious relationship requires self-discipline. This includes putting the effort into speaking caringly with your partner even when you are angry or upset, continuing to be considerate and polite, even when it requires extra effort, and being willing to make sacrifices for your partner’s happiness, or for reestablishing love and connection in your relationship.

7. Affirm each other as individuals, and support each other’s growth, dreams, and aspirations.

8. Be True to yourself. Your individual life journey is as important as your journey together as partners.

9. Consciously choose to grow from mistakes and hard times. Doing so allows you to benefit from whatever you encounter in life. Over time, it allows you to build skills that pave the way for a smoother life journey.

10. Work to stay open and vulnerable, especially in difficult times. A guarded heart will shield you from love, joy, and connection with everything that makes life meaningful.

11. Don’t let the sweet moments of life pass unnoticed. Attending to the constant demands of life can sometimes become our sole focus. Remember to smile, laugh, and light-heartedly share with each other daily.

12. Remember that you are not alone. Your community of family and friends as well as your spiritual relationship are essential aspects of your lives together. Make time for nurturing these connections as well.

Growing and sharing your love is your gift to your loved ones, yourself, God and to life itself.

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How are You Inhabiting Your Body?

by Sallie Norquist, PhD | Sep 16, 2018

How are You Inhabiting Your Body?

Have you ever noticed that people who feel good about themselves carry themselves such that you instantly know it? This is so true that you can tell by watching someone how they are feeling about themselves in that moment. We all subconsciously notice people’s posture, and it influences how we respond to them.

People who are feeling good about themselves carry themselves with a lifted open chest, a ready smile, and a look in the eyes that lets you know they are present in the moment.

People who do not feel good about themselves tend to chronically carry a posture that includes sunken shoulders and chests, down cast or vacant eyes, and a non-existent smile.

Try to notice what your own habitual posture is. Not only are you unconsciously sending messages to others (through your posture) about how to respond to you, your habitual body posture is influencing as well as reflecting your mood.

By consciously changing your posture, you can have a positive influence on your inner state.

Sitting up straight has been found to reinforce self-confidence, support the recall of positive memories, and serve as a useful coping mechanism for stress. Slouching, on the other hand, appears to encourage the recall of negative memories, and to support feelings of powerlessness, helplessness, fear, dullness and lethargy.

Armed with this knowledge, you can “fake it until you make it” by consciously taking a posture that will improve both your mood and your self-confidence.

Practical Tip: A trick for improving your mood

The next time you want to shift your mood, try shifting your posture. Even if you do not want to smile, you will find that consciously putting a smile on your face, and carrying yourself with an upright open-chested, shoulders back stance will change your mood for the better. Don’t take my work for it. Try it and see for yourself!

Are You Fully Inhabiting Your Body?

Strange as it may seem, many people are living their lives not fully “grounded” and in their bodies. By this I mean that often people have subconsciously learned to live with awareness only in certain parts of their bodies. This is a coping skill generally carried over from an earlier stressful time in life or learned in early relationships.

For example, it is not uncommon for people to operate solely from their heads, having shut out their awareness of the rest of their body. When I ask what is going on in the rest of their body they draw a blank. They have closed themselves off from the wealth of awareness and wisdom that is potentially theirs from being fully present and aware in their whole body.

One common way of coping with life is to (subconsciously) shut out awareness of things that are uncomfortable. This shut out awareness could be a reality or truth that is alarming, people’s feelings (or lack of feelings) towards you, a lack of safety (emotionally, sexually or physically), or feelings of helplessness or inadequacy. Psychologists call this coping mechanism “denial”.

What is not generally noticed however is how denial also shows up somatically, in terms of shutting down any body awareness of potentially disturbing information.

When you “protect” yourself from conscious awareness of information that could be disturbing, it often expresses itself through body symptoms.

How comfortably and thoroughly do you inhabit your body, listen to your body’s wisdom, and feel the inner strength and relief that comes from being able to see and hear that which you may have been avoiding?

PRACTICAL TIP

The next time you have an uncomfortable or unusual body sensation, I encourage you to take some time out to see if this sensation is your body’s way of clueing you in to certain information that you are not aware of or listening to.

Start the process by relaxing your muscles, feeling the weight of your body being held up by your chair, and consciously bringing your awareness into your whole body (see my post on “grounding”).

Now bring your awareness in the form of a gentle curiosity to the body sensation that has caught your attention. Please try to refrain from trying to change this sensation with your mind or your will. This process involves respectful non judgmental listening and paying attention to the body sensation, as if you were sitting down with a friend to listen to her as she shares her deepest thoughts and feelings.

Your body has information that it can only share with you if you take the time to listen attentively. See if you can “see” what the shape of the sensation is. Does it have a movement? a color? a thickness? or a feeling associated with it?

Keep it company, so to speak, and ask it if it has anything it wants you to know. Listen attentively. The answers may come in images, understandings, words, or inner shifts. Or there may be no answer until a later time. This is a listening process, not a doing or fixing process.

Many of my clients find that after engaging in this process, the original sensation shifts and changes and becomes less intense. (see E. Gendlin, Focusing 1982).

With increased awareness of that which you have been avoiding you are empowered to make conscious decisions about how you want to process and respond to it. Ultimately, the releasing of this restricted awareness allows more ease and joy to flow in your life.

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What Do Young Children Need Most?

by Sallie Norquist, PhD | Aug 23, 2018

What Do Young Children Need Most?

It is not uncommon for clients I see to express concern with regard to their parenting skills. They worry that they have scarred their children with any lapse of attention, angry outburst, or other behavior or parenting decision that they later regret.

There has never been, and never will be a perfect parent.

Perfectly meeting all of our children’s needs does not prepare our children for the “imperfections” of life. It is the parenting behavior and the child rearing environment that our children are steeped in daily that is most crucial.

As described in an earlier post (see “Helping Our Children to feel Good about Themselves”) a secure, consistent, loving attachment with at least one major caretaker is THE vital nutrient for emotional health.

Here are a few other emotionally nourishing parental attitudes and practices that support emotionally healthy children and adults:

1. Safety

The need for safety usurps all other needs. When we do not feel safe, the need for safety dominates the lenses through which we respond to the world. This can hinder development emotionally and socially, and even intellectually. When safety is at stake (emotionally as well as physically) outer situations and stimuli are evaluated from this inner “am I safe?” neurological state. Openness, curiosity, social connections, and the ability to learn are secondary when safety is at stake.

Seek to provide your child with emotional safety. Try to shield them from loud arguments and a hostile atmosphere. Do not make them anxious about safety by talking about the world outside the home in ways that cause them to be afraid. Instead, do what you can, within reason, to keep from exposing them to unsafe situations.

2. Trust

Help your children to develop a basic underlying belief that people, and the world are trustable. As time goes on, they will no doubt experience instances where this is not entirely true. It is important for their emotional development, however, that they first develop a basic belief that the world and people are safe and trustable.

You provide this belief through your own attitude towards the world, as well as through your relationship with them. Through being aware, available, and trustworthy in your interactions with your children, they learn that people and relationships are trustworthy. Try to protect them from exposure to people and environments that are otherwise.

In these ways you allow your children to experience the world as a place where it is safe to explore physically, connect interpersonally, and be curious about intellectually. This supports them in establishing positive relationships as adults, as well as in developing their innate potential.

3. Predictability, Structure, and Limit-Setting

Young children need consistency, organization, and predictability in their lives. Try to provide an environment in the home that is calm, organized, predictable, and sustained by daily routines.

Predictability supports their developing nervous systems. Knowing what to expect in their worlds, they do not have to be on guard, anxious about what is coming next.

Limit setting is a necessary and healthy requirement in parenting. Setting limits with our children helps them to learn to set their own limits as they mature, and to respect limits that have been set by teachers, future employers and our legal system.

Children do not innately know how to set their own limits. They need the structure of knowing where the limits are, and what the consequences are for going beyond these limits. This includes reasonable expectations regarding their personal behavior, how they treat others, and behavior that provides for physical safety.

The consequences for not respecting known limits must be predictable, consistent, reasonable, and developmentally appropriate.

4. Validation

Your children need to be heard and seen for who they are. This is not as straight-forward as it seems. The question to ask yourself is, “how is my child perceiving and responding to this situation? What is s/he feeling and needing?” Outer situations do not always determine the inner response. One child may be frightened by something that another child finds immensely interesting, or exciting.

We all have a need to be seen and understood for who we are, and to have our feelings and needs heard and acknowledged. Our children have this same need. As parents, we do not have to meet this need perfectly, or always. But the ability to understand and empathize with our children’s inner world is paramount. It is like fertilizer for their emotional growth.

Listen deeply to your children when they are trying to convey something to you, or when they are upset. In doing so, you help them to discover and delineate who they are. This supports them in developing a core sense of identity, their rock of Gibraltar for navigating life.

All feelings are welcome and need to be validated.

You may find that sometimes you wish your child felt differently than they do. For example, if you were never allowed to feel anger or sadness, your impulsive reaction to your child’s anger or sadness may be to tell them that they should not feel angry or sad about whatever is going on at that moment. If it was not OK for you to feel angry or sad, it is possible you may not even notice that your child is feeling angry or sad.

The truth is there is no right or wrong when it comes to feelings.

Feelings do not have to be justified. Feelings are just that: feelings. They come, and they go, arising from constantly changing physical sensations.

We have all experienced the great relief that comes from having our feelings heard, understood, and acknowledged for whatever they are. Our children thrive when we can give them this same experience.

You can give your child this experience of acknowledging their feelings without having to give in to something you do not agree with. Acknowledging their feelings does not mean you can not discipline when necessary. The important part is that you understand and respect whatever it is that they are feeling.

Consciously listen with your whole being to your children, and you will find you will learn from them how to parent them. We do not have to be perfect parents (nor is it possible). Most of all, they need our ability to see and genuinely accept and love them for who they are.

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Habits can Make or Break You

by Sallie Norquist, PhD | Jul 24, 2018

Habits can Make or Break You

Habits are insidious. They take root and blossom in our lives, for better and for worse, mostly unconsciously.

Our most rooted habits are born of the environments and people we are exposed to at a young age

Use this understanding with awareness in raising your children. Good habits that are formed early in life will serve them well. That way, when they develop to the point where they can exercise choice in creating their own habits, they will have a platform of good habits as a launching pad.

Habits form the structure of our lives

We are neurologically wired for habits and could not function without them. Choice is always available to us in the habits that sustain our lives, but most of us do not often exercise this freedom of will.

Habits come in many forms. There are action habits, such as when we sleep and wake, what, when and how we eat and drink, how we spend our time, and our habitual verbal responses to others. There are mental habits, such as how we think about ourselves or others, how we view certain situations or cultures, what we tend to notice or to not notice, and what we mentally tell ourselves. We also have habitual, familiar ways of feeling, as well as triggers for these habitual feeling responses.

Once a negative habit takes root it takes conscious effort and willpower to create a new positive habit. It does not change of its own accord (although we act as if this will be the case sometimes!) The longer it has had to take root, the more difficult it is to change.

How do we change habits that are not serving us well?

The first step in changing a habit is to practice noticing what your habits are. This “noticing of habits” can become a practice you engage in on a regular basis throughout your life. If the habit you are noticing is important to you, jot it down.

Unless you consciously use your will power to create something else, your present habits are creating your future life for you.

They are building your character and determining who you are becoming, physically, emotionally, and spiritually. Ask yourself where each habit that matters to you is taking you. If you continue with this habit, where will you be in 10, 20, or 30 years?

This is a very powerful, life-changing concept if put into use. Each of us has so much potential power to become who we want to be and to create what we want in life. Habits are the building blocks. Understanding and acting on this can make or break who you are, who you become and how you feel about yourself.

Suggested Exercise: One very powerful way to change a habit is to consciously choose to do the opposite. For example, perhaps you have a habit of inwardly ruminating on all the things you do not like about yourself. You could start by making a list (which you continuously add to) of the things you appreciate about yourself. Keep this positive list handy in your phone or your purse. As soon as you notice yourself engaging in the negative thinking pattern that you want to change, pull out your positive list and consciously choose to focus on these positive qualities instead. You will notice that doing this has an uplifting effect upon your mood. By engaging in this exercise regularly, your default thinking habit about yourself will become much more positive.

With practice, you will find this becomes easier, and even automatic. New neurological patterns will eventually supersede old negative ones.

This simple but powerful practice engages you in the process of creating and reinforcing a happier and healthier life for you, your children, and others in your daily life.

Practical Tip: Using the Pause button in changing habits

Changing a habit requires noticing as soon as possible when you are starting to engage in the old habit that you want to change. One way to do this is to “red flag” any cues or triggers for the old habit and pair it with a mental “pause” button.

For example, perhaps you want to change your habit of yelling at your daughter every time she is late getting ready for school. There are definite internal body sensations that precede the act of yelling. You may have an internal rush of heat, racing thoughts, or perhaps an accelerated heartbeat.

The trigger for these sensations may be the morning routine and signs that she might be running late. As soon as you notice your identified internal sensations, mentally see yourself putting your finger on a pause button and pair this with a long deep breath. (Or, if needed, two or three long deep breaths!)

This gives you a moment to interrupt your old neurologically greased “yelling” habit before you engage in it. The deep breath helps to calm your nervous system and gives you a chance to consciously decide how you want to respond to your daughter. Over time, she will notice the difference in your behavior, and will likely start to respond differently herself.

This practice can also be helpful for couples during difficult moments, as well as for controlling anger outbursts at work or in other interpersonal situations.

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“Grounding” a Technique for Calm and Presence

by Sallie Norquist, PhD | Jun 28, 2018

“Grounding” a Technique for Calm and Presence

by Sallie Norquist, PhD | Jun 28, 2018

“Grounding” a Technique for Calm and Presence

The Grounding Exercise is a somatically-oriented audio guided imagery exercise [ Link ] that I teach my clients for those times when a few deep breaths are not enough. It is very effective for many of my clients in learning to bring themselves into a calmer, more centered and more present place.

“Grounding” is a 10 minute recorded exercise that you can learn to do for yourself whenever you are experiencing your own version of fight-flight-freeze. This is an audio version of this exercise:

“Grounding” a Technique for Calm and Presence

by Sallie Norquist, PhD

One of the first things I teach my clients is how to recognize when they are in an over-aroused, fight-flight neurological state, and what they can do to settle their nervous system so they can consider their current dilemma with more clarity and perspective.

You can also learn to do this. When you are clearly in a hyped up, vigilant, angry, anxious, racing or otherwise neurologically over-aroused state, take a moment to notice what physiological symptoms you are experiencing in that moment.

This might be heat that is rising, a racing feeling, tension in particular areas of your body, jumbled thoughts, sweaty palms, or anything else. You might even notice that you are so in your thoughts that you are not even aware of what is going on in your body.

As mentioned in my previous post under this category, the goal is for you to “red flag” these physiological sensations as a sign that you are in a neurologically overactivated state. After becoming aware of this state, put your finger on a mental “pause button” and take a long deep breath.

This long deep breath serves two purposes. It is relaxing to the nervous system, and it gives you a chance to step into a bigger awareness, and consciously decide how you want to respond to whatever is going on in the moment that has you over-activated.

We all have times when a few deep breaths are not enough however, and we need to take a time-out to calm ourselves. This is when the Grounding Exercise can be very helpful.

The trick to this exercise is to focus on and augment the kinesthetic experience of heaviness. In this exercise, it is important to focus on the experience of the weight of your body on the couch, chair or bed and to really allow yourself to feel the waves of relaxation as you let your muscles melt into a heavy, letting-go sensation.

Eventually the sensations of heaviness you experience in this exercise create a biofeedback loop triggering a release from the fight-flight mode. Heavy relaxed muscles are not neurologically associated with danger, hence the somatic shift towards relaxation. A spontaneous deep breath is the body’s sign that it has physiologically recognized that you are no longer in danger.

This short mindfulness exercise can be done while lying down, and even when standing and walking. Grounding yourself while walking involves bringing awareness to the sensation of being supported and held up by the Earth; the left side of your body as you step forward with the left foot, and the right side of your body as you step forward with the right foot.

You can even bring this awareness into your day when you are standing, just by shifting your awareness to the sensation of your legs, and your whole body being held up and supported by the Earth.

At night, when you are lying in your bed, try shifting your awareness to your body being held up by the bed, moving slowly and mindfully from your feet to your calves, to your buttocks, your back, and the back of your skull.

The key is to slow down, and concentrate your awareness on the sensations you are experiencing in the body part you are focusing on.

This exercise helps you to experience a palpable sensation of heaviness and relaxation that you can deepen with practice. Neurologically, it is a very satisfying and nurturing experience, perhaps akin to how a baby feels being held securely in loving arms.

Be patient with yourself as you are learning to access this deeply relaxed and present state. If you are used to living in a vigilant state of heightened neurological arousal, a 30% reduction in your fight/flight mode is clearly great progress. This is progress you can build on over time.

This Grounding Exercise is a platform for bringing more body awareness, balance, and mindfulness into your life. As such, it has many additional benefits, including:

-You will find that time slows down when you are “grounded”.

-You can enjoy moments with your children more fully and deeply because it is easier to be more deeply present.

-You will develop more of a conscious awareness of and connection with what is going on in your body. This allows you to notice when your fight-flight symptoms are triggered, and to take care of yourself before you are fully engaged in the survival mode.

This “grounded” state is restorative physiologically as well as emotionally. It can become a sweet moment that supports you during your busy day.

The “Grounding Exercise” is for you to use whenever you feel the need for more calm and clarity in the moment. Please feel free to play with the imagery and wording in this exercise, mentally adding to it according to what works best for you.

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