We Cannot Make Our Children Happy

by Sallie Norquist, PhD | Jun 2, 2018

We Cannot Make Our Children Happy

As parents we work hard to provide the best circumstances we can for our children in hopes that it will make them happy. We try to give them the best of everything that we can provide. The social and cultural pressures of parenting can even lead us to believe that our job as parents to is to make our children happy.

But the truth is, the perfect external conditions will never guarantee happiness. Happiness is an internal job.

We can sometimes make our children happy in the moment, but more importantly, how do we support them in learning the attitudes and beliefs that enable them to create a happy life for themselves?

Attitudes and beliefs that support a happy life

We are constantly molding our children through our attitudes, our beliefs, our responses to them, and through our behavior. As such, we are consistently imparting our own habitual, not always conscious beliefs about ourselves, our children and the world. These beliefs help to create the lens through which they see the world.

Do you know what beliefs and attitudes you are imparting to your children?

This is not something we usually stop to assess in the midst of responding to our children’s needs and demands. Becoming aware of the beliefs and attitudes that we are imparting requires doing our own internal work. That way we can consciously choose to teach attitudes that will increase the likeliness that they can develop their own happiness and satisfaction in life.

The following are some of the beliefs and attitudes that I believe will help your child (as well as you) to create a healthy and happy life:

— Teach your children to look for the positive in any situation

You can teach this through your own verbal and nonverbal responses to and interpretations of situations. If they can learn to look for the silver lining in any situation they will be more capable of coping with difficulties, and more empowered to move forward without the burden of negativity.

— Help them to see the best in others, as well as in themselves

Strive to show them how to have a compassionate attitude towards others and most importantly, towards themselves. We are all trying to cope as best as we can with the difficulties that life has presented to us. Self-criticism and criticism of others only hinders their progress. Perfection is not important. Love and compassion are.

— Teach your children through your own example that all people deserve to be treated respectfully, even when they have differing lifestyles, cultures, beliefs, and living conditions.

Always treat your children with respect, even when you are angry with them. Respecting them includes listening to them carefully, and validating their feelings and viewpoints. Be mindful of the attitudes you convey when speaking about others, especially others from differing backgrounds. The ability to have satisfying interpersonal relationships is an important component of happiness. They will be learning how to treat others through your example.

—Model Positive humor

Humor greases the way towards more enjoyment and light-heartedness as they move through life. It is an important, under-rated and not always recognized spiritual quality. The more humor is a part of their environment, the easier it will be for them to use humor to ease their own journeys.

— Teach them how and when to stand up for themselves

If their experience in the family is that their feelings and viewpoints are heard, respected and validated they will be more able to articulate themselves when necessary in the outer world, knowing that what they have to say is worth sharing. This validation also helps them to pay attention to what feels right and true to them as individuals.

—Everyone has their own unique experience of the world.

You can help them to understand this through your explanations of other’s behavior. Because someone does not see the world as they do does not mean that they are right and the other person is wrong (or vice versa). Their relationships will be much more fulfilling if they can learn to put themselves in the other person’s shoes to understand how the other is seeing the situation. Teach them that the other’s experience and viewpoint deserves validation as much as theirs does.

— Teach them that life doesn’t owe them anything

Help them to see that they are here to experience life, to grow from life, and to give to life. Giving, in whatever way fits their talents, will inoculate them against feelings of depression and meaninglessness.

—Empower your children with the knowledge that they are not the victim of circumstances

Model for them the understanding that others do not have control over their feelings and inner experiences. Rather, they can consciously choose how they would like to see and respond to a situation. This gives them the empowering and health promoting experience of being the “doer”, rather than the victim; an active agent rather than a passive recipient of their own life circumstances.

In this way, you can help your children to experience the life changing understanding that they create their own experience of life.

It is not what happens in your children’s life that is most important. Rather, it is how they interpret and respond to whatever happens that will determine the degree of happiness and satisfaction that they experience day to day.

That Pesky Critical Inner Voice

by Sallie Norquist, PhD | May 4, 2018

That Pesky Critical Inner Voice

Do you a have an annoying inner critical voice chronicling your mistakes and imperfections?

Do you wish you knew how to get this voice to just shut up?

The “Mini-Me”

Self-critical thoughts accompany most people to one degree or another throughout the day, or in circumstances that evoke self-criticism. If you are not paying attention, you can let these critical thoughts have free reign and create havoc in your life, like a critical “mini-me” who chronicles your deficiencies and mistakes as you move through your day.

You may not like this critical “mini-me”, but condemning it will only serve to strengthen it. The time and emotional energy you invest in hating something only feeds its presence in your life. The more you dislike something, the more it sticks to you, and the more influence it has on the quality of your inner state.

You cannot get rid of anything in your life by hating it. Love is the healing agent in all situations. This is a universal Truth.

If you can find a positive way to view this critical “mini-me”, you can lessen its stronghold on your inner life.

It is quite possible that these self-critical thoughts are from a part of yourself that is trying to protect you from doing things that evoke shame or humiliation. From its point of view, if it criticizes you, perhaps you will not do or say something that could cause you shame or humiliation.

With this perspective, is it easier to be kind towards that self-critical “mini-me”? After all, it is only trying to help! If you can see it with kindness and compassion, you are in a much better place to lessen the hold this “mini-me” has on your beliefs about yourself.

Why carry boulders up a mountain?

Change is much easier and more readily accomplished when you are not beating yourself up or putting yourself down.

If you can see yourself from an objective “looking at the facts” place (rather than a place of self-condemnation), you are much more capable of setting kind and reasonable expectations for yourself. This paves the way for setting kind and reasonable expectations for your children as well.

From a logical perspective, if you want to change yourself, why burden yourself with a load of criticisms to make the change process even more difficult?

With my clients, I often use the analogy of climbing a mountain. If you are climbing a mountain, why pick up rocks and boulders to add to your load? It is neither efficient not practical.

Try practicing just noticing what you would like to change for next time, and moving on. No punishment or criticism is required.

Changing your self-critical thinking habits is an ongoing practice of self-acceptance, along with consciously setting reasonable and practical expectations for yourself. Please be kind to yourself in this process. Remember, love is the healer.

Self- love and the ability to love others are two sides of the same coin. The more you can genuinely accept and love yourself the deeper your capacity to love others and the more compassion you will have towards all sentient beings with whom we all share this world.

Anxiety? Neurologically it is all about Survival

by Sallie Norquist, PhD | Apr 8, 2018

Anxiety? Neurologically it is all about Survival

This section of my blog is an educational, and “how to” section on managing anxiety, whether it is about your children, or anything else you encounter in life.

My last post in this category discussed the importance of learning to manage your own anxiety so that you can be clear-headed, present and as calm as possible in attending to your children’s emotional needs. This is particularly difficult to do if you have experienced early and chronic fearful, chaotic, neglectful, or traumatic situations in your own lives.

If your children are experiencing anything that leads you to fear for their emotional or physical safety (illness, abuse, disability, bullying, etc.), it can exacerbate this earlier smoldering anxiety, triggering you neurologically to shift into fight or flight (survival) mode. As you can imagine, this is not the best state for parenting or for living life, unless there is actual danger at hand.

It is common to be living life in survival mode and not even know it. If life has always felt this way, it is easy to assume that this is what life is supposed to feel like.

In this post I’d like to help you to become more aware of your own personal signs that you are operating in survival mode. Having this awareness and being able to “red flag” it will empower you in learning to be more in control of your emotional reactions. Future posts will focus on ways to sooth your nervous system, and bring yourself out of survival mode once you have “red flagged” the signs that you are in it.

Knowing when you are in survival mode is a powerful first step in learning to manage it.

Symptoms of Survival Mode

I’m sure you are familiar with the concept of “Fight or Flight.” It is the mammalian part of your neurological system that is triggered when you perceive that your survival (or your off-spring’s survival) is at stake. This perception of danger can occur subliminally, subconsciously and habitually, without your conscious awareness. In moments of actual danger, this reaction can be lifesaving.

If your prior experiences of a lack of safety (emotionally and environmentally, as well as physically) have been chronic and unpredictable, you can unconsciously be living in this primed-for-action survival mode even when your safety is no longer at stake. If you are accustomed to living life in a vigilant, alert, and quick to run or to fight state, survival mode is a part of the fabric of your everyday life. (As food for thought, please note that for humans, “running and fighting” behaviors are much more varied and complex than our non-human mammal predecessors, and do not necessarily involve physical activity!) .

There is a third, less well known aspect to survival mode. It is the polar opposite of a fight or flight state. Akin to the under-aroused physiological state of the prey that “plays dead” when the predator is upon them, it has been labeled the “freeze” response. This third aspect of survival mode is particularly evident if there is both a lack of safety and a feeling of helplessness to do anything about it. The “freeze” response creates symptoms that are quite different then the fight or flight mode.

So, we have Fight-Flight-Freeze as characteristic over and under-aroused neurological responses to danger (actual or feared, known or unknown). In learning to manage your anxiety it is important to be able to identify when you are experiencing both under and over-aroused neurological activation symptoms.

Knowing your own go-to symptoms is a vital tool in managing your emotional state. It empowers you to consciously choose to do something to bring yourself out of survival mode, empowering you to respond with greater clarity, awareness and perspective to the current situation.

In contrast, in survival mode, you are usually unconsciously reacting to dangers that have long past. Living in survival mode has a negative impact on your health (emotionally and physiologically) as well as your interactions with your children, your loved ones, and the world.

Everyone has some survival mode symptoms from time to time. It is the number of symptoms, the amount of time you are in this state during the day, the severity of the symptoms, and the degree to which these symptoms affect your everyday functioning that is important.

Symptoms of over-arousal (fight or flight) include:

Insomnia, chronic physiological tension, startle reactions, panic, anxiety, quick temperedness, excessive anger or aggressiveness, impulsiveness, being easily overwhelmed, hypervigilance, an urge to escape (physically or mentally), distractedness, chronic worrying or obsessing, and trouble concentrating.

Symptoms of under-arousal (freeze) include:

Numbing out, withdrawing, feeling “not there”, fatigue, helplessness and resignation, depression, slow response time, trouble concentrating, shutting down, dissociating, not seeing the obvious, or an inability to acknowledge current reality.

If you struggle with anxiety, or think you are habitually responding to life from survival mode, my suggestion is to take note of your “go to” symptoms from the above list and practice “red flagging” these symptoms when they are occurring. Please be patient with yourself. Your ability to do this will increase bit by bit over time. The goal here is just to increase your conscious awareness of your habitual responses.

“Red flagging” these symptoms empowers you to make more conscious choices in managing your internal state as we move forward with more “how to” posts. The first step is to notice the moments when you are responding to life in survival mode

For now, nonjudgmentally notice the symptom, then mentally hit the pause button and pair it with a few deep breaths. Future posts in this category will include teaching you various methods for managing your internal neurological and emotional state.

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Helping Our Children to Feel Good about Themselves

by Sallie Norquist, PhD | Mar 21, 2018

Helping Our Children to Feel Good about Themselves

It is truly heartwarming to see a child or young adult who feels good about themselves in a genuine, non-questioning, non-self-focused way.

What are some of the parenting conditions that encourage this?

Our children enter the world as sentient, aware beings. They sense how we feel about their arrival in this world. Share with them your delight and joy at seeing them and in being with them. They search in your gaze for confirmation that they are welcome, and that they have an important, secure place in this nest that they have landed in.

Children first learn their worth by how they are seen and responded to in their early important relationships. In future adult relationships, they will not allow others to treat them poorly if they have a history of being treated with love and respect.

The psychological literature emphasizes the importance of a “secure attachment” in childhood. What exactly is a “secure attachment”? It is a term that describes an emotional bond between the child and the caretaker that the child experiences as safe, secure, and trustable. The reliability of this bond allows the child to use the caretaker as a secure base to explore from, a safe haven to return to when anxious or upset, and a sense of trust that they will be taken care of.

A secure sense of attachment with a major caretaker supports optimal health and development (physically, emotionally, and mentally). It inoculates against future depression and supports the ability to establish healthy relationships as an adult. Children with a secure attachment with a major caretaker do not question their worth, or their place in this world.

Secure attachment goes a long way. However, if there is enough connection with another human in early life, most people can make their way, healing these “attachment wounds” as a part of the process of growth throughout life.

Conditions in the parent’s life either support or hinder their ability to provide this secure attachment to their children in an optimal manner. If your early caretaking relationship experiences were not optimal, this may be an area in your life that needs healing. If so, your relationship with your child will likely bring this to your attention.

A mother who has enough emotional support in her own life is more able to provide her child with the support and attention that her child needs. Let your partner know what you need to be able to be present for your child. Sometimes this is just his/her presence, an attentive listening ear, and the chance to nap or engage in activities which support you.

Place the practice of self-care high on your “to do” list, as this is essential in making sure your inner well is full. Our children know when we are drained and out of balance emotionally. This is when they become more demanding of our attention. Self-care will keep your inner well from drying up and make for more enjoyable parent-child interactions. This, in turn, supports your child’s developing self-esteem.

Through your interactions with them, help your children to experience that their worth is never at stake. It is a given. It is not dependent on achievement or performance, nor affected by making a “mistake.”

If proving your worth through achievements or performance was a part of your own childhood experiences you may find this attitude creeping into your thoughts, feelings, or responses towards your own child. Our ability to help our children to feel good about themselves is closely tied to our ability to feel good about ourselves.

If we can treat ourselves with an attitude of compassion and love, set reasonable expectations for ourselves, and forgive ourselves for our “mistakes”, we will be offering this attitude to our children as well.

The beauty of parenting is that it gives us opportunities to grow and heal in ways that might not have happened otherwise. Our personal growth enhances our loved ones’ lives, as well as our own.

If you find yourself being critical of yourself, or worried about what you could not or did not provide for your child, please remember that we are all here to learn and grow. Perfection is not the name of the game.

We all have lessons to learn, and the process of living is our teacher. When the lesson to learn involves self-esteem, it is often a lesson for both the child and the adult, and is learned jointly, through the parent-child relationship.

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5 Practices for Creating More Happiness in Your Life

by Sallie Norquist, PhD | Mar 8, 2018

5 Practices for Creating More Happiness in Your Life

The happier you are as a person, and in your life, the happier, healthier, and easier to parent your children will be. The following are some suggested practices that you can implement in your daily life. They require becoming more conscious of your habitual behaviors and inner attitudes towards yourself and others.

1. Look for the Best in Others

Happiness is either fostered or diminished by how we see and respond to others.

My first suggested practice is to teach yourself the habit of looking for and focusing on the things you like and appreciate in people.

This is not as simple and straight-forward as it seems.

For example, if we are habitually critical of and impatient with ourselves, we can easily silently turn that same critical, impatient eye on others. What we tend not to notice is how this perceptual/emotional habit subtly but significantly affects our inner state.

Try thinking of a quality of a friend that irks you. Can you remember a time this friend was engaging in this irksome behavior? What feelings does this memory stir up in you?

Now focus on a quality that you appreciate and enjoy in your friend. How does this appreciative focus leave you feeling inside?

Which inner state would you rather nourish?

There is a time and a place for the ability to look at something with a critical, discerning eye. Habitually living from this perspective, however, robs us of positive experiences of connection and enjoyment.

To better relate to others, practice noticing your similarities with them. If you focus on qualities we all share as human beings traversing the road of life, it is easier to experience compassion for your own as well as others’ blind spots, emotional scars, and vulnerabilities. When we experience compassion we are definitely augmenting our inner happiness quotient.

There is an inner perspective where we can experience that we are all perfect and loveable as we are. We are all loveable in our imperfections. The more we can appreciate and accept others, as well as ourselves, the more enjoyment we will experience in life.

2. Be Present for Life

Life is expressing itself through you. Be present to experience it.

Practice keeping your attention and your heart in the present, and embracing life in the aliveness of each moment. We tend to spend most of our waking hours in thoughts of the future or the past (or on our smart phones 😊). In doing so we are not present for the living of our lives.

Young children innately live in the present moment. This is a natural state that we all lose track of as the awareness of time and the demands of life start to dominate. Joining with children in their joy at seeing or experiencing something for the first time is delightful. However, when their ability to live without a sense of time is about to make us late for work, it can be quite annoying!

There is an easy trick to rediscovering delight in the moment. It is available to us through paying attention to our five senses, because our sensory experiences are always happening in present time. The secret to being present for life is to take time to be with the sensation of what you are seeing, smelling, and hearing, as well as sensations you are experiencing in your body.

Inner Exercise:

Pick one of your senses to focus on, perhaps something interesting to look at, or the sounds around you, both distant and near. Allow yourself to be with this sensory experience for several minutes with an attitude of openness and curiosity, as if you are seeing or hearing it for the first time. Try to stay with this sensory experience for several minutes, until you find yourself taking a spontaneous deep breath. This is the signal that your body has shifted into a relaxed state. This exercise allows you to slow down, expand your awareness and experience a deeper, more satisfying and more innately enjoyable inner state.

As busy as we all are, all of us can spare a few minutes to deepen our enjoyment of life!

3. Give Yourself Permission to Feel Whatever You are Feeling

We tend to have the expectation that we should always feel happy, and that if we feel bad, life is not going well. When we feel bad, we try to do something to get rid of the bad feeling, so we can feel good again. We distract ourselves, eat, drink, or DO something, anything, to try to eviscerate that bad feeling.

But life is all of this; the good and the bad, the happy and the unhappy, the good times and the difficult times. Accepting what is, rather than disavowing it, actually allows life to flow more smoothly.

Like water, feelings are always changing. Allow the movement.

There is an art to allowing your feelings to move through you without getting stuck (like in a stagnant pond) or caught in a constant whirlpool. Life is all of our experiences – the whole spectrum. It’s not supposed to be just happy experiences.

Inner Exercise:

The next time you are having an unwanted feeling, try letting it move through you, like an energetic wave. It will come to a crescendo, or perhaps several smaller crescendos. It will have its own rhythm and pattern. If you acknowledge it and allow it to move through you without attachment, restriction or fear, it will pass more quickly and easily.

Allow good feelings to pass through you as well! We cannot hold on to the good feelings either. Sometimes we don’t allow ourselves to experience the good feelings because we are worried that they will go away. We find ourselves “waiting for the other shoe to drop”. And drop it will, in some way, at some point. But this does not have to be a catastrophe. We are always in the ever-changing stream of life.

4. Recognize that You Do Not Need Anyone or Anything to Prove You are Loveable

One of the factors involved in the sustained experience of happiness is your degree of self-esteem. The more you doubt your worth, the more this influences your reactions to all that happens in your life.

The more secure you are in knowing your innate worthiness, the less you need to focus on yourself, or how you are seen by others. When our self-worth is not in question, it is natural to respond to others as our equals, and to contribute to life in a way that is fulfilling.

When self-worth is no longer the filter through which you experience life, life is much simpler and lighter.

Inner Exercise:

Try to notice situations in which you are treating yourself unkindly. This could be something you notice in your inner self-talk or a habitual negative attitude towards yourself. In these moments, practice shifting your perspective and seeing yourself through the eyes of someone who loves you. Perhaps you could view yourself as you would view your own child, or through God’s all-forgiving eyes, through the eyes of a special loved one, or even the eyes of an imaginary person who you feel loved by.

Take a moment to notice how this shift in perspective affects your view of and your feelings toward yourself. The more you practice this, the easier it will be to hold on to an experience of yourself as loveable as you are.

5. Actively Contribute to Life

Finally, find a means of being helpful and giving to others. The more we participate in life in a helpful-to-others way, the more connected we feel to all of life. In this way, a deep sense of meaning and inner happiness accompanies us as we move through our days.

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